Letter G

I shall receive no calls tonight. Nor will I hear the beep of my phone as a text message is received. Still, I sit in anticipation though. Every horn that beeps outside makes my body strain to see my phone. ‘Just maybe.’

It sits idle.

I realise though. I realised a lot tonight. I do have more than a crush for you. It maybe isn’t love but it feels not so uncommon to the word. It’s nothing I’ve felt before. It’s a new, torn feeling. An ‘I want to kiss you to feel that again,’ type of feeling. Sigh. I know it’s not easy for you. I hope it isn’t. I wanted to know your thoughts, but I gave up when we were still together. I accepted your intricacies long ago boy.

That moment is stuck in my head. I swear it was in slow motion tonight. We are sitting in the pub. Both laughing at a random joke or whatnot. Your head turned into mine and we could have kissed. It felt like we should have but I didn’t want to. I wanted to watch your face, your smile as we enjoyed time together. Our eyes met and held a glance for almost a second too long, but not quite. It felt familiar. You felt familiar. At that moment I realised.

I went home alone though. I'm glad in the long run that this happened. In the short term it was a blow. Not because I wanted to know the feeling of the arch in your back, not that. More because it was a reminder your not my boy. Not the person I have to tell the silly stories of my day to. A reminder that I have a vacant space there. A void if you will. It hit a blow.

The long run though gives hope. A hope and a perhaps naïve thought that we can get back together again and that it will make us more than before. A feeling that we didn’t fuck it up again. Not that we fucked it up before but that it wasn’t the right circumstances. I'm glad this didn’t happen again. But oh how I wish I could feel that feeling all the time. For now, I sit on the underground train thinking to myself. Reliving ‘that moment when.’

Sigh. I know I can make you happy if we were staying in the same city. The same block, the same house even. I know it would be stress free. You wouldn’t have that feeling that I'm constantly there, but I would be there you know. I would be there when your coming home from work tired and sleepy. I’d be there to hug you and take your heavy bag  off your back. No words in no email can show that.

I'm in several minds as to what to do with this writing. I could post it to you snail-mail style. I could email it to you. I could leave it unsigned anonymous in your vicinity in the hope you might pick it up. I could post it to luckysocks. All of these though wouldn’t be anything near what I want to do. I want to have the guts to tell you all this. No, I want to tell you how I really feel. How I really exist, but that’s another story. I have my own intricacies that I'm working on just now. I will make it though and I know you will. I thought about all the things I want to do and you’re in there. I'm sure you could guess though. I don’t want to tell you that though because I will cause you ‘mind’ time. But fuck it if I can’t tell you, it isn’t worth thinking. I know you said there would be loads of boys in Glasgow and yeah there is, but they are not even a comparison to you. Your on my wavelength, you share a vision, a dream. This is important. Even if we aren’t together it is important. 

Humm… I'm coming across as a bit of a psycho. The main sentiment is that we have a distance to go either as friend or otherwise. I have a changed mindset and I have goals to set up and places to explore. I’ve still got that spare seat next to me though and you’re invited until the wheels fall off dood. And yeah you’re my boy, my first I’d recon but again that’s another story also. 

Bacuse we can do anything together.