So... your words brought my thoughts. I'm a tad uneasy about showing you them for some reason, but I'll show you all the same....

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I talk of a dream that you once spoke of unknowingly. I find the beauty of the glowing firefly a mesmerising one. I want to cusp in my hand that thought as we lay down to bed tonight.

Together we’d be letting it glow its light onto our enlightening path so that we are able to take step. A journey of two we’d embrace the adventure together. Taking both highs and lows. Our highs only lowered momentarily when we lose the gaze of each other.

To live by your side as we take on new cultures, find new work and take fresh breath. To waken in the warmth of your body as side-by-side we wake to a new day. To hear the sound of our unknown desires being met and our dreams turn true. That is where the light of the firefly points as we cusp it in our entangled hands.

I expected a pivotal scene to unfold as I entered into this journey. A land to come crashing into existence. It was with that first moment we both knew each others gaze in the projection room many years ago that we cusped in our hands that wee firefly. It is in that moment when I realised we have been on this journey for a longer time than we dare to admit to. It is only recently I have been able to hold your hand, taste the air and awaken to the warmth of your body. Our land is the one in which we stand my dear boy and the rest of the journey still lies ahead.

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But my 1st Achilles Heal,
Is my dream itself.

We are sprung from the same thought. We both dream a dream of the other. The one who. We dare not to think of the self as this so called ‘one’ as it is never that easy. Life doesn’t make lemonade from lemons with ease.

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ARgh….
You make me scream with excitement. Agony and excitement. So close yet so out of reach. I hold the same thoughts as you. The longing of independence with maximum potential achieved and the boy by your side. I have too that need to slow down and make time for self yet I have also the understanding of not having time to waste. Not that we would waste time together but that it would somehow be not as the other one wanted. We have to do it. And we will do it. I picture us working together on the autonomy or a similar venture. I picture the joint efforts of two independent boys striding in a loving unison. Because we’d be moving on up and there is no time to waste.

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I just read that page. His page, your oldboy. I sank a little. Thought a lot. And embraced it all.  I’m glad. That is the conclusion I have came to about him. It shows me a side of you that can.

I’m never going to be him for you and I wouldn’t want to either. ‘He served his purpose’ to put it in a clinical emotionless statement. You have learned from him the skills to see you are capable of love. Capable of more than a glancing encounter. I am a boy with a similar past. It is hard to accept as the new boy maybe once had an oldboy in a way that was more than a crashing encounter, but it would be so much harder knowing you didn’t. It would leave open the door of uncertainty I think.

I know you will have a better awareness of when you’re back in that place and that you’d have the skills to prevent hurt, both your own and my own. You do not make potions and I am not a wizard. We have not acquired some magical potion by having a past, we have simply acquired the knowledge that we have a potential for these seemingly foreign concepts of love. I feel the need to write that cliché ‘Love at first sight’ as a side note or as potential concept.

 

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Wow… I don’t know where to start. Which is why I read them all out of order. I finished on the second last one and wrote this text last. I wonder why we never bumped into each other sooner in life. I think I thought so many things in the same way as you did. Entered into similar experiences at differing times. I feel immensely close to you as if you were a brother of sorts and I know half of that may be to do with projected thoughts but it just feels so right.

I know you knew me as more than a boy from first moments in a similar fashion to myself. And it echoes true. Well I think it does anyway. There is something in you that makes me creative more so than normal, something that makes me excited something that makes me walk on unknown territory. You’re the first boy who I have instantly felt connected to and gone out with. You hold the same likes and fascinations. We so nearly met so many times before it is so amazing. You don’t see yourself as amazing and I don’t think you rate yourself highly enough but for me, you already rate as something far beyond the highest scale.